James Bond 007 – A eulogy in his own words

The often daunting task of writing a eulogy will likely fall to a family member or close friend.  But why not take the opportunity to have the last word?  It could be delivered alongside or instead of someone else's.

To inspire you to write your own eulogy, we've created some imagined self-penned eulogies for well-known and much-loved celebrities and fictitious characters.  

Written with gentle humour - just as we've done with the our Fantasy Funeral Plans  for the likes of James Bond, Enid Blyton and Lord Edmund Blackadder - we hope you will appreciate our intention which is to motivate you to put your funeral affairs in order so that you leave people in as good a place as you can, emotionally.

If you're considering paying for your funeral in advance too, so that loved ones don't have to worry about paying for it when the time comes,  complete this online quiz.  It will tell you which type of funeral plan is right for you and give you some costs.

Here's James Bond's eulogy . . .

My eulogy  by James Bond 007

"Thank you for coming.

I wish I could be there in person but death comes to us all – a spectre at life’s feast. I won’t bore you with the details of my demise but M kept telling me I needed to get in better shape. Sadly now there is no time to diet.  

So, with a captive audience, this is my final opportunity to get my house in order, unlike Skyfall – which was an insurance nightmare. 

Let’s clear something up first. I am half-Scottish – through my father. My mother was Swiss. The family motto is orbis non sufficit, or for those of you without the benefit of my expensive education: The World is not Enough. You could say that was also my philosophy in life; hopefully it’s on my headstone. 

After my parents’ tragic death in a climbing accident I lived with aunt Charmian in the Kentish hamlet of Pett Bottom. It probably explains my enduring attraction to provocatively named women and my inability to resist quipping in tense situations.*

Thanks to the work of my overzealous biographer, Ian Fleming, most of my secret missions are now public knowledge. But to understand the real me you need to look beyond the fast cars, glamorous locations, beautiful women, state-sanctioned violence and ingenious gadgets. Or just ask all those beautiful women. The ones who survived, anyway. 

The world is a dangerous place and those of us in the double-0 section – who kill for queen and country – are a means to make it safer. Even if it does play havoc with our personal lives and our blood pressure. Frankly, some of my assignments have scared the living daylights out of me.  

The job changed so much over the years and so did I. Looking back, it’s as if I were several different people. The one constant was the threat of death, often by strange means: sharks, crocodiles, a buzz-saw, a laser, a steel-rimmed hat, a concealed blade in a shoe, metal teeth, and a pair of murderous thighs. They really were the limit. You can blame my aunt for that one; I do. She could so easily have moved us to somewhere respectable like Nackington. 

I have loved, lost, lived and let die. No regrets. No recriminations. No appreciation for health and safety. Actually... maybe one regret: Miss Moneypenny. That really would have been time well spent.  

What did I learn? That fortune really does favour the bold while clothes only maketh the man when they’re well tailored. And how you play baccarat says more about you than any obituary. Are agents born or made? Perhaps a bit of both. I was never destined for a quiet life, so perhaps Mr Fleming’s literary excesses are the perfect final testament. 

As Q once said, I always did my duty and I enjoyed the best of everything. After all, you only live... once." 

* Pett Bottom was where James Bond was brought up (in the books):  https://www.mi6-hq.com/news/index.php?itemid=10576